Hopemoir: Veeps

A man who is second-in-command is always first in line with regards to those beneath the commander.
- Jason Klamm

Okay, so that's not an ACTUAL quote of mine. Well, not of the real me. It's a quote of the me to the right. With the Biden beat ever slower, I thought I'd do my best to give our loyal readers a taste of previously-published material. Namely, my book. Namely, "Looking Forward: A Hopemoir," my alter-ego's campaign "mani-festive," based off of our award-winning pilot presentation that got us national exposure through Comedy Central & FX.

As I finished the book up last October, just in time for the elections, I realized that, with my new knowledge on the country's least-appreciated office, I would be remiss not to have my character examine the office in his... way. What I later realized is that his "way" is not unlike that of an historian. He goes against the grain for impact, rather than being able to back everything he says up. Unlike historians, however, he has no idea why he's doing that. As far as he understands it (from watching a lot of TV news as a kid), politics is saying things with conviction. He is passionate about having passion.

Following is the first of a two-part blog series of excerpts from the chapter on his choice of VP, entitled "A Future President's Vice." If you like it, please purchase the book on "Amazon.com and tell your friends.

A Candidate’s Potentia Pro Tempore (Part 1)

It is no exaggeration to say the average candidate overlooks the Vice President. Prior to any major election, the choice of VP is left until the last second as a surprise to increase interest in a candidate’s campaign, at least temporarily boosting their numbers in the polls. The choice of Vice President is always a cold one. If you are from the North, pick a Southerner. If you’re white, choose an older white candidate. The basic and contrived opposition that comes with the Vice Presidential choice grows tiring to the average American, who inevitably votes for the primary candidate, without much thought, if any, put towards the qualifications of their VP as a potential president.

What presidential candidates fail to realize is that the Vice President is not simply the most unappreciated officer in the executive branch. He might also be the most important.

Though I haven’t made a choice – I have a rather lengthy list to cull from, and a list of those whom I feel might grow to be good potential VPs – I am always pondering on how to best make my choice. I have to choose a man or woman with such extreme duality in their personality that both sides almost cancel one another out. I have to find not a blank slate, but a slate so completely covered in chalk as to be illegible. This person must not simply be prepared to take over all of the duties of Commander-in-Chief at a moment’s notice, and have the skill and capability to serve the office as well as his predecessor, but he must function exceptionally in the constitutionally-mandated duties of the Vice President.

The law of the land lays out a very specific path for the VP to take. He must preside over tied votes in the Senate. This single duty allows the VP to be perhaps the most useful person in Washington simply because he isn’t weighed down by a constitutionally-required function, other than the rare tie-breaking Senatorial vote. With a substantial expense account and the free time to serve at his own pleasure, unlike the inundated Cabinet, the Vice President can bring about social and political change unlike any other office-holder in the entire government.

With this in mind, I must find a person who can capably hold down such an office while still finding time for themselves, as they may be called, any time, to serve in my stead. At the same time, I would like my future Vice President to leave the office in a professional state should I, in the case of Vice Presidential illness or incapacitation, need to take on the duties of both President and Veep.

-Jason C. Klamm

Funny Pictures of Veeps - Charles Curtis

Okay, I apologize for this apparent piece of fluff. In the middle of the night, I didn't feel I could do proper justice to a blog about Joe Biden and gay rights. Next week, kids. In the meantime, here's one of my favorite pictures of a Veep ever. This is Charles "Charley" Curtis, VP under Hoover. By any historians account, Charley was less than memorable, at least in action as a VP. Outside of his rise to the second-highest office in the land, he made his mark, but good.

Now, keep in mind, I don't look up to the man pictured here in what could be the most unflattering staged photograph of a head of state ever. As a Vice President, at least, he was an embarassment, inspiring, among other things, the character of Alexander Throttlebottom in the Gershwin musical "Of Thee I Sing," in which the Vice President doesn't have enough clout to get a library card. Curtis also notoriously insulted the "idiots" of America while his country was in the middle of the Great Depression. I don't know if this picture was taken before or after that particular blow-up, but the heat, as it were, was always on. But Charley never seemed to feel it.

But old "Damp Brow" Curtis, as he should have been called, wasn't all bad. He's been frequently painted as one of the poorest choices for VP in history, possibly rightly. As VP, so it's been said, he did almost nothing. But to get that high and to have so little to do, no one can say Charles Curtis didn't bust his hump.

He was rumored to have memorized the names of thousands of his constituents, life stories all stored in little black books, but only as backups for the kind of memory that would aid any career in law. He could easily have been the model for the straw-hat-wearing politician. On the other hand, despite his obvious (and ironic, given his running as a "minority" due to 1/8 Indian blood) distaste for the downtrodden, Curtis, for one reason or another, was one of the strongest forces in passing the 19th Amendment.

As Vice President, though, Curtis was notoriously pompous, ignoring the very people who got him the office. Perhaps he resented the men he would no longer allow to call him "Charley," for elevating him to mediocrity. Maybe this is why, after his term was over, he went back into law while in his seventies - perhaps hoping to make a difference again, if not a new name for himself.

Unyielding in his pomposity, Charles Curtis saved his worse face for the office that gave him the most exposure, and his likely distaste for the uselessness of the office shown through. Sadly, he never returned to his home State of Kansas after being Vice President, and died in Washington, DC. His most prominent legacy is likely The Pulitzer Prize that, in many ways, his personality was responsible for - the first Pulitzer ever given out for a musical.

Well, at least he advanced the legitimization of political satire as an art form. You win some, you lose some.